


Overstood the Time of Mercy

by jesterlady



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Episode Tag, Friendship, Gen, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-03
Updated: 2011-10-03
Packaged: 2017-10-24 06:28:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/260158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesterlady/pseuds/jesterlady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The three friends have a little chat after the events of Selfless</p>
            </blockquote>





	Overstood the Time of Mercy

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own BTVS. The title is by John Bunyan  
> A/N: This was written for marienomad who bid on me over at help_japan on LJ. She asked for a post Selfless fic where Xander's lie gets dealt with more thoroughly and no bashing. :) I hope I've fulfilled it properly.

When Xander walked away from Anya for the second time in so many months, he was making more than one decision. The entire day had been one horrible, life altering, forced thought process and he would be the first one to say that he wasn’t too fond of those. He wandered for a bit, planning what to say. It might have been too late to change the most important things, but he wouldn’t live another day without being able to go forward in a new light.

He didn’t sleep very much that night. He supposed if he were more like Willow, he would have made a chart and wrote out a speech and tried prediction algorithms or something like that. Possibly baked some cookies. But he wasn’t like Willow. He was like himself and himself had been so messed up in his logic for so long he wasn’t sure how to get out of it. Watching Anya that night had caused him to review every single idiotic thing he’d ever said to her, every time he’d put Willow before her, every time he’d acted jealous of Riley or Spike or Angel and made Anya think she’d never measure up to Buffy. It was horrible and he was horrible.

And not just to Anya. He was horrible to himself and, for some reason, it was now so easy to realize he had always been consumed by jealousy. Yesterday had been the first time in a long time he’d thought about Angel and what he’d done back then. He was a little amazed it had taken that long for his lie to surface. He guessed it had a lot to do with how deeply rooted Buffy’s hurt from that day was and how much she didn’t talk about it. And how much faith Willow used to have in him.

It was sad, but it wasn’t all that hard to arrange a little meeting between him, Buffy and Willow. There was no one left really with Dawn in school, Giles in England, Anya no longer there, Tara…gone and Spike, well, Spike was crazy in a basement and that was where Xander preferred him. So, it was easy for Xander to meet his two best friends and prepare to say some of the hardest things he’d ever said.

“Xander, what’s this all about?” Buffy asked, as he opened his door. “I can’t keep missing school. And, boy, was that a blast from the past thing to say.”

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I promise this will be the last interruption that comes from me. I just have to get a few things off my chest.”

“Un-chesting’s usually a good thing,” she agreed, taking a seat on his couch as they waited for Willow. Though she was bright and Buffy-like, Xander could tell it was hard for her to look him in the eye. Yesterday had been hard for her too.

“What’s up?” Willow asked, coming in the door and looking inquisitively at him.

“We have to talk,” he said, gesturing for her to sit down. She did, squeezing Buffy’s shoulder in hello.

“Spill the beans,” Willow said, settling herself.

Xander stayed standing, incredibly nervous and not really wanting to go through with this. But he had to, or he would never be able to move on.

“Look, this is all really hard for me to say and there might be some things you don’t want to hear, but I’m gonna ask that you just let me talk and there’ll be plenty of time for group discussion later.”

They nodded in agreement and Xander swallowed hard.

“So, let me just start off by apologizing to both of you, especially you, Buffy. Incredible as it may sound to everyone in this room; I have to say, I’ve never treated you fairly when it comes to certain people.”

“You can say their names,” Buffy said, more gently than normal perhaps.

“Don’t push it,” Xander said, smiling a little. “I just - what you said yesterday got to me and after everything with Anya, I’m coming to grips with all my mistakes. And it wasn’t right for her to do what she did, but I’m just going to go on record here saying that I can’t be surprised she did it. Some of this is probably stuff I should say to her because she was never really a part of this group. She was my girlfriend, but neither of you ever gave her a chance. And I let it happen. Choosing whether my best friend or my girlfriend lives is insane troll logic, but letting my best friend come before my girlfriend is wrong. And I always did that. I let the two of you come before Anya in everything and that wasn’t right. It was all wrong and that’s why everything went wrong. Wrong is the word here. After I left her, I don’t see that she had anywhere else to go but back to vengeance. Even though I was the bad guy, everyone she knew was on my side. So, I don’t blame her and I’m not asking you to excuse it, but to understand why I do.”

“Xander-” Willow said and then stopped. “I’m sorry, I know you said not to interrupt and I’m interrupting, but I kinda do think you should say this to her and not us.”

“I’m getting to it, Will,” he said, “just try to let me go a little bit more. Back to my apology to you guys. I have a confession to make. A long overdue confession.”

“Would it have anything to do with kicking ass?” Willow asked, a little snappily.

“All about it.” Xander turned to Buffy. “Buff, when I gave you Willow’s message about Angel, I lied. She wanted me to tell you we were trying to give him his soul back, but I-I guess I thought I was trying to keep you from false hope-ing yourself into a new pair of dead shoes, but I think I just wanted Angel dead. I don’t know what to say about it, but I’m sorry for that and I’m sorry for making you my accomplice, Willow. You were trying to do the right thing and I caused resentment between you two.”

Buffy stood and turned away from them and when she turned back she had tears in her eyes.

“I’m so tired of this,” she said. “So much more than you can know. Thank you, Xander, but I just don’t want to have to relive this again. And it’s true, I wasn’t Anya’s biggest fan and I didn’t try very hard, but going after her yesterday was incredibly hard for me and I’m so sick of that. Everything she said was true; I keep having to be the law to my friends and I just wish everything was more clear.”

Willow moved to Buffy and wrapped her in a hug. Buffy returned it and wiped her eyes.

“So, I’m sorry too. And I think we should just move on, okay? No more hurting each other by the other people we love.”

“Hey, I gotta get in this little circle time too,” Willow protested.

“The floor’s all yours, Miss Rosenberg,” Xander said, moving aside, trying to make light even though he still felt sad inside.

“I’m sorry too,” Willow said. “And I have to say, Xander, that I understand why you don’t blame Anya. And I’m so sorry for everything I ever did to her. I never understood her before, but after last year, I do and that’s why I didn’t say anything and that’s why I went to D’Hoffryn. Maybe I should have said something, but I know that need to get revenge and I still sense it in myself and it actually mind boggles me to think of how many years Anya has had to deal with all that. She’s really, really old, guys, and she carries that weight around with her and I swear I didn’t know about the reversal and the price it would have. I just…I wanted to help her, for the first time ever, really. And I know I’ve been terrible lately and I’m going to be better, I just need more time and I know Anya does too. At least now she can do it on the human side of things.”

“What about what I did?” Xander asked, really touched that Willow had thought of Anya that way. It had been such a horrible burden on him the way they interacted and now, when it didn’t matter anymore, it was lifted. “And, I have to say, if I think about it that there might have been more methods of madness going on in my head that day. It’s just you were in the hospital and you were hurt and I was so worried about you and I held your hand and talked to you and yet, it was Oz you asked for. Not me, and maybe I just wasn’t ready to not be the main guy in your life and tried to compensate by making sure Buffy didn’t have one. You know me, not so much with the logic.”

Willow frowned and then waved her hand around in dismissal.

“If we were back a few years ago I’d pound you. I, just, well, I’m not so able with the guilt-trips as I used to be. I acted that way about Cordelia and Anya too. Sorta lost my right to cast stones. Especially with the murder and mayhem and trying to destroy the world part.”

“You can cast well-deserved stones at me any day,” Xander said, going to the couch and hugging both of his best friends. They both clung to him and Xander felt a slight relief. The battle was far from over and something terrible was coming and he was still not exactly up there on the satisfying life scale, but at least he did have this, these two people.

Buffy was still crying and he realized anew how hard it was for him to watch her cry. She was always so strong, the law, as she had called herself, and he knew how unfair he’d been to her.

“Buffy, I know how seriously you take being the Slayer and how hard it’s been on you. And I’m sorry about the things I said yesterday. I know you’d never want to hurt Anya and I was wrong to say all those things. I know I’ve got issues with Angel and with Spike and I shouldn’t have brought them up.”

Buffy wiped her eyes again and pulled back to look at him. She started to laugh amidst her tears.

“Look at us,” she said, chuckling. “We can’t even apologize to each other without being all ridiculous. I don’t know how we get out of the battles we face.”

“Isn’t that what Spike usually says?” Willow asked, mischievously.

“I’m not ready to talk about what Spike usually says,” Buffy answered. “He’s of the non-touching subject category. But…I guess, well, I don’t know. I’m thinking about Angel and about the day I sent him to hell and I don’t know that you were wrong, really, Xander. I mean, you were wrong and I’ll probably bring it up in a few years when we’re sloshed and make you feel bad, but…honestly, knowing that he might get his soul back would have been just as bad as suddenly having it happen. I had to be willing to kill him; I had to be able to put my whole self into knowing that he needed to die.”

“I’m still sorry,” Xander said.

“I know,” she said ruefully. “So, let’s forget it until aforementioned drinking session. For the record, Anya has way more carnage on the evil scale due to sheer years, but I still hold Angelus as being the most horrific of any of our past lovers.”

“Duh,” Willow said. “Not even a competition. Not that we’ve all had such raving successes.”

“Don’t let’s dive into that cesspool of thought,” Buffy begged. “Can we all just agree to try to not let our own personal neuroses get in the way of each other’s happiness?”

“That’s my whole plan,” Xander agreed. “That’s my whole new life purpose.”

“And I think we should actively try to help Anya if she needs it,” Willow said, looking at Buffy. “You and me.”

“Thank you,” Xander said softly as Buffy nodded. “You two are incredible friends.”

“And we have you,” Buffy teased. “All grown up and calling a meeting where no one had to resort to using ‘I statements.’ ”

They all laughed.

“I bet Giles would be proud of us,” Willow said.

“We should be proud of us,” Buffy said.

Xander grinned. He’d waited a long time to feel this good about himself and it had taken a lot for him to get there. He wasn’t perfect yet, but it was a big step.


End file.
